Fat Rants = Thank You, Joy Nash!!!

[thewaterling]

I really liked the first and third of these, but the last one made me laugh, -and- made me cry. I've been "big" all my life (even when during most of my childhood I didn't weight that much, but was just over the "norm" and was therefore merciless criticized for it), and I still sometimes hear the "baBOOM-bapah-BOOM-bapah-BOOM* kids used to taunt me with when I walked into or out of a room- or when I passed them on the street. It was always from a distance, always amidst choruses of laughter, and always done in groups- so they had someone to impress. We have one life, and it's being wasted while we sit around wishing for "what if" and "when I" and "if only."

Time passes by too quickly to keep hearing "bapah-BOOM-bapah!" every time we walk anywhere. That's just more life, time and energy those people- those moments are taking from us, and they're not worth any of it- when we could be doing much more productive things w/the abundant dreams, good, and life we can bring to the this planet. :):):):) They smear us with these things, and we hold onto them as if they were life lines, when what they're doing is killing us! WHY??? Why do we let people do this to us?? Why do we facilitate this to keep happening/???

As a big, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED chick who sings, acts, draws, writes, dances, makes a TON of cool stuff and is smart n' funny as hell, I've got too much to offer the world to waste myself on assholes who not only should know better, but to whom I should've given an old addage my mother once gave me when I first came home crying from my fellow pupils' abuse: "Yeah, you think I'm fat? Well YOU'RE ugly, and -I- can lose weight." :):)

All of my life- yes, ALL of it- I've wanted to be a singer. That's all I've ever really wanted to do- but to THIS DAY I have not been able to bring myself to do it. Why?? Because I don't have the GUTS. I know, just as surely as I know how much I want to do this, that people will not accept me onstage as I am. I knew that as a marginally chunky kid, and I've known that as a teenager, young adult, and so on. I may have won awards and various accolades in it, I may have made the people I love (as well as strangers) cry w/my performances. But I KNOW down deep in the depths of my heart that I am NOT good enough to deserve it. I will not succeed, let alone breech professional success, as a fat actress, singer, etc. People will laugh at me, I'll get criticism (if not downright derision), and I won't receive the gigs, because I'm a "big girl." In other words, I don't deserve to be on stage. Because I'm overweight, I have NO CHANCE at being looked down on favorably by actors, producers and other industry professionals. Not because I might have no talent. Not because I dressed wrong for the part or because my voice didn't hit that high note, because the quality of my voice isn't right for the role or because the director/talent scout/agent was just having a shitty day. Because I'm FAT.

Hell, I'm gonna make a big confession here- and to those who were there for this, I apologize. I CRIED at my surpise, 25th b-day party. Yep, I cried. Inside and out. NOT because I was all happy that this TON of human beings came together in honour of me, but because they did allll that, and -I- didn't feel worthy of it. I had a good time in parts where I forgot about myself, but I was MISERABLE and squandering that HUUUUGE gift that my family and friends were giving me, because I was too busy beating myself over the head inside. -I- should have been x, y, successful, thin, dressed better, having someone w/me, married (or at least in a relationship- let alone a serious one), blah blah blah! I COULDN'T ENJOY MY BIGGEST B-DAY PARTY EVER, BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY BEING MISERABLE AT FEELING UNWORTHY!!! Again, WTF?????? I even KNEW it was screwed up while it was happening, and still do- but all I could think of what "I'm not paying enough attention to x, y and z person. I should go make the rounds more, I should have *blah* by now.. oh gods, what are these people doing here??? I am NOTHING!!! And what'd I do?? I wasted it. I wasted a perfectly --wonderful-- time- because of my weight. My physical weight, yes, very much so. But more importantly my EMOTIONAL weight. Allllllll that happy baggage I put on me, and that I -let- society's preconceived notions of BS put on me. And I lost it to a bunch of BS misery that I was putting on myself, because I felt unworthy of that kind of time and attention. I lost what will probably be the only surprise party I'll ever have in my life, and the biggest birthday occasion ever. 'Cause after (what is also my favorite number) 25, frankly unless you're turning ninety, I've discovered that no one really gives a crap.

It's the same w/love. -I- don't feel I'm worthy to go up and talk to the hottie I've been desiring. It doesn't matter that "Dream Boy" over there might just not like brunettes, that I'm too short, that I might resemble his mother, or that he's just not in the mood to deal w/people that day in That Way. He might not feel like being approached by -anyone,- let alone some doe-eyed admirer, ya know? But in my mind, I see a complete scenario in my head: I walk up cautiously to them, practically shaking. I introduce myself and say something nice, to which they'll undoubtedly sneer in my face, say something ugly about me and my weight, maybe take the time out of their day to chide me for it w/abject disgust on their faces, and they'll scoff as they turn away, dismissing me completely w/o another word- or maybe one or two ugly ones barely veiled beneath slightly lowered breath. ..Only to make fun of me with their "cool," or "in-crowd" friends loudly behind my back as I walk away, trying to ignore the raucous laughter. :P

What the fuck is up w/this gradeschool, popular crowd, "in"-clique shit that's been so ingrained in me, that I now carry it w/me like another junk-laden purse, and am now so willing to accept its intrinsic worth and certainty that I won't even say 'HELLO" to people??? GrrrAHHHH!!! I say "hi" to perfect strangers, in a neighborhood where doing so may very well get me killed. I can sing for crowds of gamers, literally THOUSANDS of "special" people, and various gatherings of loved-ones. But I can't -truly- hope to sing for a living, and I can't approach the people I admire because I might see them again, and suddenly not only might their opinions of me be detrimental to my existence, but I also know that they'll look over eeeeeeevery other aspect in me because they're too busy AND shallow basing their COMPLETE judgement of me on my dress size??? Pssshit!! In a way I'm just as bad!!! Yes, I've had LOTS and LOTS of "bad experiences." But pre-judging people before they get the chance to prove ME wrong is just as fucked up.

Moreover, where the HELL is this rationale coming from??? I can do what means most to me for people I don't know, give some of the brightest parts of myself to perfect strangers who're in one little group or another or whom I KNOW I'll never see again, but I'm too much for a coward to do so with people who might see me twice and remember my name?? Because they'll spread rumours about me "this girl who tried to sing," or be walking down the street only to avoid me and say "hey Gene, avoid that fat chick, she says 'hi' to people. The NERVE!!!" O.O Like there's gonna be a rumour going around at the venues I frequent amongst "the beautiful people" that "that fat bitch actually DARED speak to Tommy.. can you believe it?? I mean, where does that HORSE GET OFF???" Sheeze! Ya know, that standard, clichéd-sounding phrase is RIGHT. If I'm rejected by people solely on the basis that I'm FAT, I don't want to be around people who can be so rediculous!! The theory in and of itself is utterly merit-free...!!! Yeah, so, I have a 40DD+ bra and olive skin, that - must- mean I hate to read books, beat my pets, and speak slander against all who look at me funny. Sure, and all blondes are the ever protagonistic, simple-minded sluts, all brunettes are bookish, unattractive villains, and all red-heads are fiery-tempered, man-eating sexpots who do nothing but scrump 24/7.
Riiiiiight.

If my entire self-worth, my entire being can be judged by the color of my hair, the hue of my skin or the weight on my hips (let alone the street value of the clothes I'm wearing), than these idjits aren't worth my time. And that guy who I think will judge me for it isn't worth my time OR affections if he were to be so stupid, either. It's the same judgements that are raised against racism, classism, and all the other retarded judgements we humans put on each other. Yes, every stereotype has a little vaule 'cause it had to come from -somewhere,- but if you judge a whole person's worth for how brown their skin is, how big their butt is, or what kind of clothes their wearing from the label (or lack thereof) that they're made with, than you're just as stupid as one of those cartoon chars. that run into painted walls. What is that line from Legend, again? "Judge her with your heart, not your mind!" It's true!!!

And frankly, I shouldn't judge a potential mate's self-worth just because he's perceived as "beautiful," either. He could be wonderfully sweet and as dear as the day is long, totally into big chicks, brunettes and gimp-asses like me. Maybe there's none around 'im because no one's had the balls to approach 'im. Who knows??? Or, he could be a total prick. But his looks have NOTHING to do w/the measure of EITHER. Whether he was an ugly-ass homeless guy in a dirty tunic, or if he was Tom Cruise, he could be just as gorgeous on the inside as the out- just like I hope. And I'm never gonna know, because I've already done to him what I fear he'll do to me- judge me on my looks. Whether he is or is not an asshole, it doesn't matter; not really. I'm STILL being JUST as unfair, 'cause I'm doing to him what I fear he'll do to me- judge me on superfluous, materialistic, shallow-as-hell, preconceived bullcrap. My not giving HIM the chance to prove EITHER of these societally-supported bits of BS WRONG- ESPECIALLY if he's ever going to become someone I CARE ABOUT- is that much worse. It's okay if I don't give him the benefit of the doubt.. because he SURELY won't give me the same... It's cowardly AND it's bigoted. Perhaps to some in a strange way, but it's both of those things still the same. You're denying peoples' worth by an extraneous, superficial judgement of something they have little or no control over, and which has no intrinsic correlation with ANYTHING that makes ANY -REAL- DIFFERENCE. Period.

In truth I've always thought that the people who bitch and whine about society's pre-programming were doing- for the most part- just that; bitching and whining. But different brands of this same thing has more of an affect on us than I think most people realize: For example, I heard a mom chastise her very tiny child for playing with the wrong toy the other day, and it comes right back to this whole societal, pre-progamming, judgmental BS. I'm in my apartment, quietly doing something akin to what I'm doing now, when actually hear this enraged woman holler at her child then paddle his behind; saying "NO! Little boys don't play with dolls! They play with trucks! Now put that down and com over here!!"
Again.. WTF??? Why are we allowing all this damaging shit to seep in and hurt us- from childhood all the way up to the point where we're doing it to our KIDS???

Since before I can remember all I've ever really wanted to do- to the quick of me- was be on a stage and sing in front of people. I used to stand on the bleachers as a toddler at local ball games as people were gathering up their stuff and sing "opera" to everyone in a made-up language, at the top of my lungs. Everyone thought it was a riot. I have dreamt and grown bitter about he fact that here I sit w/my miserable life while people "make it" all around me. Well they're making it because they're TRYING. They're making it because they're DOING SOMETHING about their dreams, and not letting something so stupid as a bunch of juvenile assholes get in their way...!

I've let the people who made me feel bad about myself hold me back, hold my spirit down for tooooo many years. I've hung on to them like preciously-won battle scars, and it's all nothing but damaging, time-wasting bullshit.

I'm not living my dreams and making a living by singing, acting, and all the other things I wan to do in the spotlight because I'm afraid no one will accept me because I'm FAT, and that's just retarded. I chose art- drawing namely- as something to do w/my life because I love it too, and it was out of the spotlight- and wouldn't depend on my being fat or not. I picked it because I thought it'd be easier, and that's BS! I'm stronger than those assholes who ganged up on a little girl to make her feel bad about herself. I have more TALENT than those sons-of-bitches who hoot and holler shit at me from across the street who're have nothing better to do w/their time than scream stupid shit at people they don't know. I'm SMARTER, BRAVER, and NICER than those egotistical, shallow-minded, shitty people who give me dirty looks for eating.. anything- will ever be! Those jerk-offs who insinuate I'm not worthy of courtesy and respect because I have meat on my bones, but who treat me like less because I'm "big." I am SICK AND TIRED of having to watch my stance, my posture, my pose in whatever I'm doing, when someone who's opinion I care about is in the room. I could be singing the world's most beautiful song, improving my craft, writing a heartbreaking love poem, or petting my cats. ALL of which is worth more time, energy and attention than letting these PIGS make me feel like one- just because their insecure in themselves.

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my art. I am grateful for all it's given me, and what it's enabled me to give to others. But this secretarial, retail, go-nowhere life OBVIOUSLY ain't workin', and I'm not making any progress (let alone happiness) in my life trying to pretend that it is- or that it's even for me. I keep trying to do a miiiiiiiillion other things to distract myself and avoid the fact that all I wanna do is SING.

So I'm gonna do it, dammit. First thing I'm gonna do tomorrow is start looking for potential singing gigs, maybe some bands who need a singer, and putting myself out there. Even if I have to YouTube myself, I'm gonna STOP being afraid, STOP letting all the Brad Haywoods and Scott Levys in my life make miserable- even loooong years after they've gone on w/their own lives. (Because let's be frank about this, people; they either simply didn't care about what they were doing to me- and doubtfully even REMEMBER they did this shit, let alone carry it around w/them like I do- or they did. Either they were clue-free, or they knew just exactly how their words and actions hurt me, and for that they're nothing but sadistic, self-loathing pig-fuckers from hell. Shit, for all I know they might still be laughing at me to their wives and kids to this very day. "Hey honey! 'D I ever tell you about the time in junior high when I kicked this fat girl who was leaning over the teacher's desk right in the backside?? BOY that was funny!!" If that's the case than they are even further below my radar and consciousness than they deserve.)

Either way, they're not worth my time. The fear they instilled in me by their tauntings years and years ago- the fear that's continuously been built upon by countless other dickheads just like them is doing nothing but weighing me down IN THE MOST IMPORTANT SENSE,, and it's wasting MY time..! I not only gave them permission to treat me like shit as a child, I do that every time someone treats me like crap on the streets, in the clubs, and even in my home. -I- let them make me afraid. -I- keep harbour their memories in my head and nurture them like battle scars, keeping them fresh and alive like insidious, poisonous plants every time I moon over them and remember how hurtful the scene was or how painful their words were. -I- let those momentary, meaningless moments rule my decisions, my self-esteem, my LIFE.. because I'm fat. Damn.. that really and truly sounds stupid when you put it right out there like that... And ya know what? It is.

I guess what I'm saying is just this- I agree. I see it, I acknowledge it, I understand it, and now I get it. I agree w/Ms. Nash. The key here is remember that yes, we as fat people CAN lose weight, but that life doesn't start if/when we do it. We ALLOW the people who do shitty things to us to make us feel bad, and that's fucked up!! Life's too short to carry all that emotional weight around w/us, dragging us down and keeping us from doing the things we REALLY want to do. There's SO MUCH we OUGHT to be doing rather than sitting around feeling bad about ourselves. Not only do we let "them" win by letting them defeat us emotionally and make us feel afraid OF them/their despicable actions/words, but we common, let's be honest again, here.. shall we? We go home, stay inside where they can't see us (right where they want us!!), and more than likely, we EAT. Thus we've allowed them to make our lives miserable, consented to letting them take our actions and would-be decisions from us (like doing everything from making a career, to wearing that foxy red dress you like so much out because you're afraid of what some people "may say"), and all because deep down inside all the while, we feel we DESERVE it!!! -WE- believe the shallow, stupid crap just as much as THEY do, and so we ALLOW all this bullshit to pass hands. Thus we give THEM the power in so, soooo many big and little ways.. and it's not doing anybody ANY good. No one's life is improved a single jot. They feel good for two seconds, until their SE coasts down again and they do the same damned thing to someone else, and hope they'll carry THAT hurt w/them as well. Well it's NOT OKAY W/ME ANYMORE. No, I'm still not "size proud," or hell, even comfortable w/my weight. I need to lose some poundage here, and I know that. But I need to do it for my HEALTH. NOT because I keep hearing schoolyard kids making fun of me in the back of my mind when I enter the room. I'm SICK of feeling like I'm unworthy of approaching someone I'm interested in because they won't like me for being such a hog. I'm SICK of feeling like I can't be pretty, or admired for what I look like, what I wear, my hair, my makeup- anything on the outside, because I'm FAT. I'm sick of living w/an inferiority complex the size of the Grand Canyon!!! I'm sick of looking up to people for every little thing, and looking down on myself because I feel I have nothing of value to offer the world!!! Life is SO short. As the years go by I notice the truth in what older folks say; that the years pass by faster and faster as you age- as time passes. Life's TOO SHORT, let alone for me to be holding onto weight that makes more of a difference in my life than the bulges that pooch out my outfits, or the bulges that I tell myself are the reason that nobody beautiful could ever love me. I'm missing out on LIFE.

It's HERE, and it's NOW.. and it's passing us by as we wish, make excuses, allow people to take advantage of us, and let this precious gift pass us by.

Well it's time I started letting all the Beautiful that is me IN, and casting all of that excess weight OFF.